Personal Sharings on My/Our Healing Journey

Birthing Out of the Tunnel

It rained reservoirs this winter while grief burrowed in my belly like a creature escaping the light.

Was it the guidance of my teachers?
The touch of my masseuse?
The grace of the Masters?
The witnessing of community?
The passage of Kronos?
The lion in my heart?

Whatever the combination of healing forces, I emerged.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve felt differently than I ever have before. More grounded. More centered. More connected. More whole.

Whatever my efforts to get here, it feels like a miracle. Perhaps healing always feels that way.

Nadir Point

I’ve been working with my wonderful voice dialog therapist Deborah Morris since July 2014, when I realized that my basic response to life was chronic emotional upset. With her help, and that of my clairvoyant teacher Patricia Anderson, with whom I began working a year ago, I rode the waves over most of 2015. But by October, with the ending of a relationship, I was (back) in emotional hell.

WHEN WOULD THIS END? I’d been on this difficult ride since before 2012. And, really, before that. Really, most of my life. This hell was very old.

On top of it, I learned that I was in the midst of one of the most challenging astrological configurations one could go through: a Pluto (Persephone) transit, signaling the disintegration of everything. Not out of some capricious cruelty on the part of the Universe, but out of the soul’s insistence to come into its true power.

On your knees, girl.

I had to endure hours, days, months, of not knowing if this colossal grief-of-my-life would ever lift. Week after week in Deborah’s office. Session after session with Patricia clearing my energy body. Nights of loneliness. Weekends feeling bereft, gripping my heart.
And the shame. I was a spiritual teacher for god’s sake. I was supposed to have it far more together than this.

I share a bit about my journey because I think it’s illustrative of what’s needed to fully heal from childhood trauma & to release karma – because, of course, the two go hand in hand.

This story sports my own flavor, but our stories are all related.

It feels good & right to share that I’ve been birthed through the tunnel of my lifelong grief, at last. And to say to you, yes, you can emerge.

Courage

The path of karmic healing is not for the faint of heart. But we – that means you, spiritual reader – didn’t come here this lifetime to shrink from the challenge. You came here to clear & flourish.

What I’ve learned is you can know your story but you’ll get nowhere until you feel your story, grieve your story, weep your story. That takes guts. Crying takes guts. Especially if you’ve had to stuff your tears & tell yourself nothing’s wrong since you were very young.

I bless my therapist Deborah Morris for helping me realize that my story matters. Whenever I hear people say, “Oh, I’m just in STORY,” I want to shake someone silly. Who created that STORY meme that’s become so popular, anyway? As if we can erase an entire history of pain by calling it “STORY” and having it float away in a bubble!

It was in loving my story & the little selves that suffered at every turn of it that finally allowed me to recover from it. And nothing else. Nothing. Not intellect. Not analysis. Not dismissal. Not commands to “get over it & move on.”

I’m so grateful that Deborah encouraged me to tease out all the episodes of agony & cry like a baby over them. And more are still coming to the surface. I don’t shy away from them now. I embrace them.


My honoring of my story is my healing.

Weeping my story has been the key to everything. For, feeling my humanness in this way – and coming to love myself – is the very lesson I came here to learn.

Through profound reflection, I’ve realized that the lack of humanness & self-love was the missing ingredient that led to my negative behaviors in past lives to begin with. Those negative behaviors created karma – which is what led to the pain in this life.

And that karma is what I, you, we all have the opportunity to release in droves in this post-2012 time.

What’s Worked for Me

It was in reading my friend Tina Benson’s book A Woman Unto Herself: A Different Kind of Love Story, that I saw the roadmap to recovery laid before me.

What hit me most about her own story, which was every bit as filled with trauma as mine, were the times when she would consciously & willingly surrender to the tsunami of emotions she knew were under the surface yet she could barely name. She mentioned a couple of those episodes in the book, and I thought: Oh boy.

I knew I had to go there.

It’s kind of like taking a purgative. You know you’re setting yourself up to puke, and you know it’s going to be good for you, but you face it with dread & when it happens even YOU don’t want to be present.

So I’ve puked a number of times now, energetically speaking. Which is interesting, because one of my responses to the trauma of my mother’s prolonged engagement with lupus was to vomit every day before school, from kindergarten through 4th grade. She died that summer, and, no longer having to worry about her, I could finally eat breakfast in the morning.

Over the past months, I’ve gone through these energetic “puking” episodes both privately & in Deborah’s office. Have I done them “perfectly?” Probably not. And, as with puking, sometimes there’s been more in there. But I’ve done the best I can.

When I’d feel those emotions surging up I’d hang on for dear life and ride the storm, calling on my tools, gathering my inner children under the tarp as best I could. Loving them. Soothing them.

I now show my clients how to find their own inner children, how to talk to them, how to pay attention to them in life, how to heal them. I explain that this process is as deeply shamanic as any kind of astral journey work.

Loving through Micro-Triggering

Aside from the more dramatic storms have been the countless daily moments in which I’ve similarly had to say: OK, what’s going on? What am I feeling? Identifying the emotion & its accompanying belief, and then finding the wounded inner child who’s been triggered, putting my hand on her heart & loving her.

Because the reality is that all day long, we’re basically little children who are getting tweaked. Someone didn’t answer your email? Was short with you in a conversation? Ignored you in a group? Whether we’re at professional meetings, social parties, family gatherings, dinner with a lover, encounters on the street, we’re all vulnerable children ready to feel hits & slights at any moment.

We must be tender.

The depth of this reality came home to me at Taber Shadburne’s recent R/evolutionary R/elating workshop in Oakland, CA. He had us start by sharing what we were afraid of or worried about by being at the workshop. Then he had us progress into exercises in which we were invited to share something uncomfortable & true we were feeling about others in the room.

The level of vulnerability among GROWN ADULTS & the similarity of what we were all experiencing at the primal level was astounding. We were all walking children.

Most of us in this world, given generational trauma, are walking children. Walking wounded children.

It’s good to be reminded that very little of what goes on between us is in present time. Nearly all of it is history, acted out as though it’s current.

Healing Backward & Forward

This emotional healing journey is every bit as spiritual as spiritual journeys are. The emotional is spiritual. The personal is political. The political is emotional. The political is spiritual.

As we understand these connections, we begin to heal. As we heal, we begin to come into our own divinity. As we come into our own divinity, we help raise the planetary vibration. As we raise the planetary vibration, we collectively move into 5th Dimensional Consciousness.

As I always see when I clairvoyantly look at my clients’ situations, the best way to heal the world is to heal yourself. The ripples extend backward to your family lines, laterally to those here now, and forward to the future souls who will incarnate. This is an energetic reality.

I see that the more I heal my inner children, the better I am as a guide for the healing of others. The clearer I am as a clairvoyant reader. And the more abundant I am on every level. Matt Kahn said abundance is the byproduct of inner child work, and it really struck me. Now I see he is so right.

I’m grateful to be at this place right now, on higher ground. I’m living life more fully. I’m having more fun. As I’m more compassionate, I’m finding the goodness in others’ hearts.

I’m not longing to be completed, as I once was, which was driving my search for a partner. In feeling more whole, I’m more loving, and so I’m finding love everywhere, more & more of the time.

All this is possible. Yes. Healing happens. It really is true.

Thank you for listening to my/our story in progress.

To comment on this post, share your thoughts below.

Love,
Marguerite (Dove)

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