It’s Taken Me 45 Years to Grieve

And below I also share more about my personal journey into the depths…

Love,

Marguerite/Dove

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It’s Taken Me 45 Years to Grieve

Or… No Grief Means Constant Grief

“If you don’t allow the children to grieve properly it will affect them for the rest of their lives.” This, my Aunt recently told me, was the advice given to my father by a psychiatrist neighbor back in 1972 after my mother died.

Like most people on the planet, my father, bless his soul, didn’t know how to heed it.

Who ever understands that Grief is the toughest god, the most exacting master? Who knows that there is a proper yet hidden roadmap for grief? Who knows what the right steps are?

When a huge loss comes, a huge grief waits to be vomited through your gut. If you don’t surrender to it in wave after capricious wave, if you don’t let it transmute through sobbing & wailing, it stays stuck inside, a stealth sabateur, draining your lifeforce, souring your victories.

Unexpressed grief makes you afraid to fully live because you’re always fearing loss – loss that might unleash the full hell that’s underneath.

Grief under the surface results in a half life of defensive survival living. It can lead to chronic depression, addictions, obsessive activity or talking, workaholism & more.

Most of us will do anything Not to Feel Grief. We think This Is the Way.

Getting to Rock Bottom – I Think? At Last?

Recent events in my life have gotten me down to what I think is the Core.

Why mention it… again? Because I have been on an evolving journey to the Center of the Earth. And my road may prove to be a way for others.

At the very least, I think it’s important that as a Sacred Woman I disclose my process. I may have some evolutionary things to say about the world of Spirit, and I may serve as a healer for others, but I am a human woman working through my karma.

Sharing my unfolding story in real time lets me feel useful. And it lets me feel less alone.

I believe that the more we expose our humanity, the more others are emboldened to address theirs, their agony, their terror, their shame.

Indeed, I myself have benefitted from the “grief mentorship” of dear friends like Tina Benson, who details her own story of cracking open after childhood trauma in her book A Woman Unto Herself, and Maura McCarley Torkildson, who has modeled grieving for me in the wake of her father’s death.

So here goes.

A recent loss sent me weeping on the big boulders of the Yuba River (rock bottom, indeed). Mother Yuba held me as I saw with stunning clarity My Core Wound – how the crushing abandonments in my childhood had led to distortions in how I interacted with the world. How this had led to a kind of lifelong suffering.

(“Oh, oh, my inside! Oh, oh, my outside!” says the Sumerian Goddess Erishkegal as she gives birth to herself in the Underworld.)

I wept in sustained sorrow, for once not trying to talk myself out of it.

A couple of weeks later, as I sat in sacred cacao ceremony led by Angela de la Agua on Hallow’s Eve down in Joshua Tree, I met the twin flame to My Core Wound: My Core Grief. This was the full gale force of the agonizing, inexorable pain over the childhood loss of the person who had meant the most to me in the world.

At this liminal time of year when we can access “the other side” – and under the tutelage of Mama Cacao the Heart Healer – the veils indeed softly parted & I talked to my Mother. “I don’t really know who you are – you, the one who brought me into this world! I hardly remember you anymore! YOU WENT AWAY and I was a KITTEN!”

OH, OH, MY INSIDE! OH, OH, MY OUTSIDE!

The blank wall of grief hovered before me like a kind of perverse, non-negotiable, inescapable force field.

I finally surrendered.

It was excruciating relief, in the end. Yet it had taken so long to get here.

Where is the road going next? Somewhere in this Underworld, I trust that a love is being born.

The house was packed & many people viewed the livestream with us. The feedback afterward was incredible, with people commenting on what a powerful event it was… and one woman telling us she even received a spontaneous healing of her back, complete with the flash of heat characteristic of a spiritual healing!

We recommend you watch it full screen and listen with intention to tap into the vital energy of the evening & receive the transmissions from Divine Mother! Enjoy!